I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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