The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
