I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
