I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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