All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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