I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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