god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
