I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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