I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
