You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
