my phone needs a breathalizer
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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