Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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