my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
