So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Randomize
