I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
