I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
