I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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