I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
