this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
