Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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