sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
