Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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