Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
