i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
