If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
