Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
