benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
