Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
