someone threw a dead crab at me
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
This house was built for laser tag.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
