Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need to calm my uterus...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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