You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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