is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
