just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
