Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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