what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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