Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
