i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
