We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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