he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
