if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
