im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
