you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just want nice things and good sex
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
