Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
