just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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