It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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