my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
