nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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