why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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