I just made out with a guy for $7.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
