Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
