A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
