stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
And then he peed in my hair
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