Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
